In 1878 the Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky buried his three-year-old son, Alyosha. Soon afterwards he began writing The Brothers Karamazov. In it, the clever brother Ivan tells his gentle younger brother, also named Alyosha, story after story of children who were made to suffer. Then he says he cannot accept any heavenly harmony bought with a child's tears. “It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return Him the ticket.”
Dostoevsky was a Christian, and he gave the argument against God to one of his best characters, at full strength. Alyosha does not answer with a theory. He goes on loving his brother. That is how this page tries to go too. If you have lost a child, or a child you love is ill, you may not want arguments at all. There is a list of people you can talk to at the bottom.
“While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said: Who knoweth whether the LORD will not be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
2 Samuel 12:22–23 · JPS 1917
King David's infant son is dying. David fasts and lies on the ground for seven days. When the child dies, his servants are afraid to tell him. He gets up, washes and eats, and explains why with these words. Readers have found comfort for three thousand years in “I shall go to him”.
What the record shows, and what grief research has learned
For most of human history, losing a child was normal. In 1800 more than a third of all children died before their fifth birthday, and in some places one in two. Today, in the UK, Europe and North America, about one child in two hundred does. That change came from clean water, vaccines, antibiotics, better food and care for mothers, often in the space of two or three generations. But children still die. In 2023, about 4.8 million children worldwide died before the age of five, most from causes that could have been prevented.
Some suffering is deliberately done to children. In the Holocaust, about 1.5 million Jewish children were murdered. In 1938 and 1939, in the nine months before the Second World War, the Kindertransport brought nearly 10,000 children, most of them Jewish, from Nazi-ruled lands to Britain. Often they were the only members of their families who survived.
Grief research has changed its mind over the years. Psychologists used to talk about “letting go” of the dead. Since the 1990s, researchers such as Dennis Klass and Phyllis Silverman have described “continuing bonds”. Healthy grief often means keeping a connection with the person who has died, by remembering, talking to them and keeping their memory alive. Every faith's mourning rituals already do this. Children grieve differently from adults. They often move in and out of sadness quickly, and they need honest, simple words.
The strongest believing answer here is not an argument. It is the claim that God is not a spectator: that the child is held, that this life is not the end, and that one day every tear will be wiped away. The sceptic, like Ivan, replies that no future harmony could make up for one tortured child. Many believers admit that they feel the force of Ivan's words, and believe anyway.
What each faith says
Judaism
“A voice is heard in Ramah, Lamentation, and bitter weeping, Rachel weeping for her children; She refuseth to be comforted for her children, Because they are not.”
Jeremiah 31:15 · JPS 1917
The Hebrew Bible does not hide from this grief. When the two sons of Aaron die, the text says simply: “And Aaron held his peace” (Leviticus 10:3). Sometimes silence is the only honest response. The prophet Jeremiah hears Rachel, mother of the people, weeping for her children, and God answers her: “Refrain thy voice from weeping… there is hope for thy future” (Jeremiah 31:16–17).
Jewish mourning surrounds bereaved parents with community: the burial, the seven days of shiva at home, meals brought by neighbours, and the Kaddish prayer. Many Jewish families keep a child's memory alive with a yahrzeit candle each year.
Christianity
“Allow the little children to come to me! Don't forbid them, for God's Kingdom belongs to such as these.”
Mark 10:14 · World English Bible (British Edition), public domain
Jesus was angry when his disciples tried to keep children away from him, and said God's Kingdom belongs to them. At his friend Lazarus's tomb, he wept (John 11:35). Christians remember the infants killed by King Herod on Holy Innocents' Day, 28 December. Matthew's Gospel applies Rachel's lament to them (Matthew 2:18).
Christian hope rests on the promise that “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (Revelation 21:4). Dostoevsky did not give Alyosha a rebuttal to Ivan. He gave him the elder Zosima's teaching of active love, love shown in deeds. Many Christians say that is the only answer they trust.
Islam
“The eyes weep and the heart grieves, but we say only what pleases our Lord. Ibrahim, we are grieved to lose you.”
Sahih al-Bukhari 1303 · our rendering
The Prophet Muhammad buried six of his seven children in his own lifetime. When his infant son Ibrahim was dying, the Prophet wept. A companion was surprised, and the Prophet said that tears are a mercy (Bukhari 1303). After Ibrahim died he said, “There is a wet-nurse for him in Paradise” (Bukhari 1382). Muslim scholars widely hold that children who die go to Paradise.
Another saying describes little children in Paradise taking hold of a parent's clothes and not letting go until God brings the parent in too (Muslim 2635). A report in al-Tirmidhi says that when a believer's child dies and the parent still praises God, God commands a house to be built for them in Paradise, called the House of Praise.
Without religion
“It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return Him the ticket.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (1880), Book V ch. 4, spoken by Ivan · Constance Garnett (1912), public domain
Charles Darwin's daughter Annie died in 1851, aged ten. He wrote a private memorial of her that ends in plain grief, and many historians think her death ended what was left of his Christian faith. Bart Ehrman, an agnostic New Testament scholar, says the suffering of the innocent is why he cannot believe. Many humanists say there is no reason behind a child's death, only causes, and that the right response is to fight those causes and to love the people left behind. Humanist celebrants now lead many children's funerals in the UK.
Sikhi
“Your will seems sweet to me.”
Guru Granth Sahib, ang 394 (Guru Arjan) · our rendering
Sikhs remember the Sahibzade, the four sons of Guru Gobind Singh, every December. The two eldest died in battle at Chamkaur in 1704. The two youngest, Zorawar Singh and Fateh Singh, aged about nine and six, were bricked up alive at Sirhind for refusing to give up their faith. The eighth Guru, Guru Har Krishan, was himself a child when he died of smallpox. Sikh teaching asks for bhana, acceptance of God's will, which Sikhs describe as courage rather than resignation.
Hindu traditions
In the Katha Upanishad a boy called Nachiketa goes to the house of Death and asks him what happens after we die. Death offers him riches to stop asking. Nachiketa refuses, and is taught that the true self is not born and does not die. In Krishna's own childhood story, a cruel king kills infants to stop Krishna being born. Many Hindu families bury very young children rather than cremate them, as they are thought to be already pure.
Beyond the Abrahamic faiths
The Buddhist woman Kisa Gotami carried her dead baby from house to house, begging for medicine. The Buddha told her he could help if she brought him a mustard seed from a home where no one had ever died. She searched the whole town and found none. She buried her child and came back to the Buddha, understanding that no home is free of loss. The story does not explain her pain away. It tells her she is not alone.
Same and different
On why children suffer, no tradition claims to have a full answer. Judaism has Aaron's silence and Rachel's refusal to be comforted. Christianity has Jesus weeping, the Prophet Muhammad wept over Ibrahim, and the Buddha sent Kisa Gotami to discover that no home is spared. Humanists see causes, not reasons. Where they meet is in what they do. Mourners are not left alone, the child's name is remembered, and everyone works so fewer children die. Most faiths also share a hope that the child is safe now: in Paradise, with God, or beyond death.
A moment to reflect
- Ivan says no future happiness could be worth one child's tears. What would you say to him, or would you just sit with him?
- David, the Prophet Muhammad and Jesus all wept. Why do you think these stories keep the tears in?
- Kisa Gotami found no house without a death. How does knowing others have grieved help, and how does it not help?
- What helps you remember someone you have lost?
Watch
Each tradition, in its own words
A Muslim telling
A Jewish telling
Do it together
Gather small things that remind you of the person: a photo, a drawing, a smell, a song title written on a card. Children can add to it whenever they like. Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish have guidance on talking to children honestly about death.
Read the story of Kisa Gotami, then 2 Samuel 12:15–23 and the hadith of Ibrahim. Ask: what does each story do for the grieving person? None of them gives an explanation. Why not?
For Holocaust Memorial Day (27 January), read the story of one child, such as a child who came on the Kindertransport. Light a candle and say their name aloud.
Go deeper
- Child Bereavement UK: support and helpline (find out more) · support
- Cruse Bereavement Support (find out more) · support
- Winston's Wish: support for grieving children (find out more) · support
- Childline: for children and young people, free and confidential · support
- The Brothers Karamazov, Book V (Project Gutenberg) · book
- Child mortality, a global overview (Our World in Data) · data
In pictures
Sources (15)
- Ivan's ‘return Him the ticket’ speech: Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov, trans. Garnett, Project Gutenberg #28054
- 2 Samuel 12:22–23, Jeremiah 31:15–17, Leviticus 10:3 text: Sefaria, JPS 1917
- Mark 10:14, John 11:35, Matthew 2:18 text: World English Bible (British Edition) via bible-api.com
- The Prophet weeps for Ibrahim: Sahih al-Bukhari 1303
- ‘There is a wet-nurse for him in Paradise’: Sahih al-Bukhari 1382
- Small children in Paradise hold their parent's garment: Sahih Muslim 2635
- House of Praise (Bayt al-Hamd): Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1021 (graded weak by the Darussalam editors)
- More than a third of children died before five in 1800; about 1 in 200 in rich countries by 2015: Our World in Data, Child mortality: a global overview
- 4.8 million under-five deaths in 2023: UN Inter-agency Group for Child Mortality Estimation
- Kindertransport: nearly 10,000 children, 1938–39: Wikipedia, Kindertransport
- About 1.5 million Jewish children murdered: United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, Children during the Holocaust
- Kisa Gotami and the mustard seed: Wikipedia, Kisa Gotami
- Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman, 1996): Wikipedia, Continuing bonds
- Guru Har Krishan died of smallpox before his eighth birthday: Wikipedia, Guru Har Krishan
- Ang 394 ‘tera kia meetha laagai’: SikhiToTheMax
